While watching Iyanla Vanzat on Oprah’s life class, I stumbled across a powerful quote about the importance of self love and acceptance. Realize, it all begins and ends with you.
“When you need to be loved, you take love wherever you can find it. When you are desperate to be loved, feel love, know love, you seek out what you think love should look like. When you find love, or what you think love is, you will lie, kill, and steal to keep it. But learning about real love comes from within. It cannot be given. It cannot be taken away. It grows from your ability to re-create within yourself, the essence of loving experiences you have had in your life.”
Remember, you can not give someone in which you can not give yourself. My only hope is for you to love yourself, embrace your flaws, and accept your mistakes.
There are moments in life where you begin to wonder if the route you’ve chosen is leading you in the right direction. Steady asking yourself, “where am I going?”
I asked myself this question nearly a hundred times while trying to catch the correct train from New York to Connecticut. While repeating this simple question to myself, I began to examine its meaning and shortly understood that where I was going was not as clear as I thought it out to be.
As my wonderful day in the city had come to an end, I was awaiting for the train anxiously as thoughts of my comfortable bed danced in my mind. I was worn out from the chaos of the city while visiting the christmas tree and dinner with a favorable male friend of mine. I awaited for the train in an unfamiliar atmosphere surrounded by strangers. I picked a spot against the ice cold stone wall and sat down, freezing and quite bored with my cell phone on low battery. I was finally given the chance to slow down for a minute and observe those surrounding me. The city is filled with unique individuals always in a rush, as was the train station. A variety of races and cultures, languages and accents- something unexplored to me back home. The ramp begin to become very crowded, I kept my spot on the stone wall. A train finally arrived and everyone hoped on, I followed suit.
I boarded the train and sat down in an empty booth, satisfied as I had the window seat. Something about the window seat gives me a calming feeling. I love the feeling of being deep in thought watching the world pass me by. I began to day dream- a wander in my own thoughts. The sound of clicking tickets soon captured me back to reality. I handed the conductor my ticket. He returned my smile with a facial expression that puzzled me, that was untill he told me I was riding the wrong train. I was instructed to exit the train at the next stop. So there I was, standing at the edge of an unfimilar ramp in East Mount Vernon in my tan knee high boots. Anxiety quickly filled my veins as I was lost and only accompanied by a useless cell phone with low battery. I was unaware of where I was, where to go, and how to get there.
Thankfully, I was given a life line- in which I was very appreciative of. Not many times in life you can call a friend and ask for directions, ask which path to take and get a direct answer. In life we do not have answers, just questions.
He gave me all the information I needed in order to make my way back to the train station. Unaware of my current location, I felt alone and confused. He made me feel less of that for a few moments, and I was thankful.
Nearly an half an hour later I arrived where I had started out at. The sun was completely set and the temperature had dropped significantly. I reclaimed my spot on the numbingly cold stone wall and began to feel angered with myself. I felt helpless. I missed the train two more times. I sat on the stone wall shivering for another hour until I got it right.
So maybe we miss a few trains in life. Maybe we hop on the wrong one, unaware of its destination. We get lost a few times along the way. If you’re lucky, you’ll have a friend you who can confide in. They’ll give you advice and try to replace your feet on the right path. But then, maybe we find ourselves on the “right” train, only to discover its taking us in the opposite direction. Perhaps, it’s that one train you never expected to be the one that leads you in the right direction, giving you unconditional gratitude and strength. Whatever train you may be on, know by heart that you will always find your way home where happiness and love will follow. Embrace the few wrong trains you find yourself aboard, for you can not appreciate the good without acknowledging the bad. Believe in the travel of the journey as with every wrong train, there is the right train awaiting for you to board.
Like any young woman growing up in today’s society, my morning routine usually takes an hour and a half. Showering, hair, make-up, picking out an outfit and the right shoes is a huge factor in my every day life. If one thing goes wrong, or doesn’t feel right up against my skin, usually my whole day is throw off. But what takes an hour and a half a day to build, spent nearly a year creating. After an ugly break-up, I promised to love myself unconditionally before I ever loved another. I was overwhelmed and stressed and had repeatedly been given the advice to exercise, so I signed up at a local gym to relieve all the emotional tension I had built up. I spent my days inside the gym, working every part of my body, releasing the pain and agony in my sweat. I began to feel beautiful for the first time in my life. I felt strong, and empowered. That was until I tried to give a man the key to my heart, I learned quickly that it was useless to him while he already had the lock to my body.. and what was he to do with an undercover broken heart?
A few days before Christmas I received a gift from a good friend of mine. A sweet man, who had a way with words. He would cook dinner and we would sip wine at his kitchen table and converse. He was an intelligent man, and could hold a conversation for hours. I was visiting him one Saturday morning when he told me to close my eyes. He reached into his pocket and removed a Pandora box. As I opened the little square white box speechless, my eyes landed on sterling silver hoop earrings with a green Peridot stone centered in the middle. Beautiful, I thought to myself. Although, It didn’t take long to realize there was something missing; the earrings had no back hooks. I looked up at him confused, and asked how am I to where them? He confessed it was a mistake, he was unaware of the fact the earrings did not have a back hook. Although, It meant much more to me. I instantly connected with the earrings, and remembered this man has always given me half of him, never given his full potential. I began to feel unsurprised he only gave me “half” an earring set. I wondered why he had always given me half of himself, never fully opening up. Then I began to look at myself, and discovered the problem started with me, my heart, and my mind. As they say.. you can not give yourself to another when you do not love yourself.
And with that, my blindfold had been removed. You can hide in whatever it is you desire, whether it is material possessions or alcohol, but the problem will always find you. I had spent all this time working on my image, perfecting every possible flaw I could imagine. And while I was very appealing to a mans naked eye, I was not appealing to his heart. I had fooled them, and fooled myself. I had forgotten the most important part of the healing process, my heart. I thought in time my heart would heal itself, I would be whole soon enough. They say time heals all, well I don’t believe it. While time passes you by, that scar still remains, and if not healed correctly, it can re-open. Dispensing all types of emotion.
The beauty of the earrings were appealing, but they could not be worn. I felt as I was an earring with no back hook, beautiful, but not whole. Similar to a heart, as if it is not whole, you can not give yourself to another. While interacting with many individuals daily, I have come to realize a lot of us are not whole. We are constantly feeling like we are missing something. We all have a void in our life in which we try to fill. An inspirational quote stated by Iyanla Vanzant-
“You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them.”
What matters most usually gets buried under layers of pressing problems, immediate concerns, and outward behaviors making it easy to get caught up in craziness of life. A quote from my favorite book, in which I recommend to everyone The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, “It is incredibly easy to get caught up in an activity trap, in the busy-ness of life, to work harder and harder at climbing the ladder of success only to discover it’s leaning against the wrong wall. It is possible to be busy- very busy- without being very effective.” Healing your heart is the first step towards complete happiness. Listen to what your mind and heart is telling you, and if it hurts, listen closer. The four elements, wisdom, security, guidance and power will add great value to your world. When these four factors are in harmony, they create a great force of nobility personality, a balanced character, a beautifully integrated individual.
The earrings remain in my jewelry box with no back hook. While I am currently working on my heart, the earrings will remain there with no hook and when I am whole and complete within myself, I will purchase backs to the earrings, and I will show them off in joy that as with the earrings, I am beautiful and finally complete.
Whatever you are hiding in, discover it, escape it, and never look back. Reach for the problem with your bare hand and look it straight in the face and love will find you.
I’d like to introduce to you a quote that represents that basis of this article; “The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any,” Alice Walker. American teenagers spend 31 hours a week watching TV, 17 hours a week listening to music, 3 hours a week watching movies, 4 hours a week reading magazines, and 10 hours a week online. That’s 10 hours and 45 minutes of media consumption a day. Media is the message and the messenger, a powerful one. Media teaches us everything, but what does it really teach us? These days our televisions are filled with shows as The Bad Girls Club, The Jersey Shore, and the Real World promoting drinking and demonstrating the relationships between women and men. These shows and advertisements surrounding these shows are shaping our society, brains, lives, and emotions. Girls get the message very early on that how you look reflects your worth and value. Meaning that no matter how accomplished and smart you are, it will not be enough in the eyes of men. Boys get the message early on that this is what is important from girls; girls must be beautiful and leak sexual desires.
The show Toddlers & Tiaras has girls ranging from the age of 3 and on competing in pageants getting spray tans, fake nails, fake eye lashes, and extreme make up. These girls base their worth of how they look every day. This show has been on the air since 2009 and has been in and out of the news due to its extreme controversy. This show reveals that girls are encouraged to achieve this at younger ages, even 3 year olds. They strive for perfection, but the perfect girl is more extreme than ever. It is nearly impossible, yet we still strive for it.
There are moments in life were we begin to see things more clearly. Researching this topic was one for me. I am honestly frightened for young girls and even girls my age given our modern cultural. Our lives revolve around sex and outer perfection. Unfortunately, I fall victim to society as well. I have not been immune to the damage our cultural does to girls. But although we all have our own unique story, this struggle is all too common. The media is constantly telling us being strong confident and ambitious is not enough. Look at how the media portrayed Hillary Clinton. She was mentioned as a bitch countless amounts of time on the television, newspaper, and radio. Is there any wonder teenage girls feel more powerless than ever?
53% of 13 year old girls are unhappy with their bodies, and that number increases to 78% by age 17
65% of woman and girls have an eating disorder. Rates of depression among girls and woman have doubled between 2000 and 2010.
These statistics are heartbreaking. There is so much negativity on woman and the weight of woman in the media being displayed. Women feel the pressure every day to conform to men’s ideals. Men therefore develop a concept of how the ideal woman should look and judge regular woman more harshly. The media is conditioning us to believe we are something that we are not. They try to make us feel anxious and insecure. This also goes along with advertisement. Beauty companies are constantly trying to make us feel not good enough in order to boost their profits. This is why you see the same body types and faces in advertisements; those are the bodies that sell and make you feel insecure. We buy these beauty products in which mask our real intelligence and disempowers us.
The number of cosmetic surgical procedures performed on youth under age 19 more than tripled from 1997 to 2007, the average face life costs $11,429. That’s enough to pay for: 5 years at a community college, 2 years at a state university, 1 year at the University of California.
Girls are seen as objects, and we are beginning to see ourselves as objects. This self-objectivity leads to depression, eating disorders, low confidence, low ambition, and a lower GPA. With woman feeling all this pressure and having these side effects, how will woman become leaders? With girls at younger ages having these feelings, will they be able to rise above it? Statistics have shown we won’t see a woman president for up to 500 years if we allow the media to influence the generations on the rise. Women are less likely to run for office or vote because they feel worthless and have no power. This ultimately distracts us from making a difference. Woman make up 51% of population, but 17% comprise in the congress, and only 34 woman have served as governors. Surprisingly, 67 countries have already had female presidents! Iraq, Cuba, China, and Afghanistan have more women in their government than us! Things have not changed as much as we think… So how do we rise above it?
“If you aren’t good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you’ll resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren’t even giving to yourself.”
Make a promise to yourself, right now, to wake up tomorow with a smile on your face. Despite what today brought your way- tomorrow, appreciate life, appreciate those fresh morning breathes.. you’ve been given the best gift of all, another day. Lay in bed for a few extra moments, and really appreciate that bed you have.
Then put on your best looking outfit and begin the day with an open mind as anything is possible ! The world is BIG and so are your possibilities and dreams !
It may be pouring today, and the sun may be hidden, but don’t let that determine your day! Never let what you can not control hold you back or bring you down! You can’t control the weather… So why let it bother you?
Today, be happy because you don’t have a reason not to be!
